First: Sorry for not showing up on my own blog! I messed it up.
I realized how difficult it is to write and respond regularly on the blog; and so I decided this week (against my initial goals) that instead of constantly having a bad conscience about not writing regularly, I’ll just change my goal: I’ll write when I feel like it and I won’t write when I don’t feel like it (the latter is more likely once I don’t work as much overtime as I do at the moment…)
Recently, somebody opened my eyes regarding my troubles with faith. He observed that the things I say about my faith are anything but unified.
On the one hand, I am extremely critical of Christianity and I feel unable to believe the story. On the other hand, I feel so much drawn to it and I like going to church and when there’s christianity-bashing going on on TV I am outraged and I can talk about theological ideas not only from a detached perspective but as a spiritual insider and when I am in church I feel like I’m in the right place, in “my father’s house” so to speak, and I place much importance on attending church regularly.
Realizing that I’m kind of schizophrenic was almost an epiphany to me.
I always wondered why I have so much trouble giving up faith even though I obviously don’t buy into many of faith’s doctrines. I always thought that I have so much trouble giving it up because walking away from faith would cost me too much (less emotional comfort, broken relationships, …). But now, I realized that my hesitance to give up faith is not only weakness, it’s not just that I stick to something cozy even though I know it’s wrong. No. It’s rather that different aspects of my personality are in conflict as to whether sticking to Christianity is the right thing for me.
The friend who opened my eyes suggested that I aim at unification: If the different voices in me are in tension, I ought to aim at integrating them, bringing them in line, becoming a “whole” person.
Even though I am very fond of this advice, I am only convinced of it to 90%. There’s a 10% doubt in me that asks: Isn’t it a sign of strength and honesty that I am able to endure these multiple voices in me? So many people simply hammer and squeeze the confusing variety of their experience into a neat picture rather than accepting the difficult fact that being open for reality leads us to a perplexing cacophony of impressions and a dazzling variety of evidence pointing into all kinds of directions.
But, all in all, I am very fond of the advice. In particular, bringing the different pulls within me in touch with each other will help me decide where I want to go.
Nothing a good exorcism couldn’t cure.
Kidding aside, I like the advice. Exploration can bring wholeness. Enjoy the voyage !
For me working through the questions of religion were a lot about becoming myself and not letting other people think for me. Or sometimes I didn’t let other people think for me, but I didn’t voice my disagreements openly, walked the walk even if I didn’t buy into in completely. I wonder if what you describe as unification and becoming a whole person is similar, finding your own voice and learning things your own way as you go through life.
Thanks, ATTR, for your comment. I find myself very much in your description in the 2nd sentence: I am someone who does NOT let others think for himself and who has very much his own views. AT THE SAME TIME, I do not mention my disagreements very often and I do not talk much about views I do not share.
For some time, this worked great: In public, I was able to join in with the big mainstream while “in private” I somehow didn’t buy into it.
Since it worked so well, I assumed this “double-life” was OK and even stopped perceiving it as a “double-life”.
Now I realize that I let too much of a gap open up between my private views and my public commitments.
I don’t claim that I was dishonest (in terms of playing something outwards which wasn’t true inwards). No. I just considered it as the tensions that I had to live with…
But now I realize that it’s more difficult to live with these tensions than it seemed at first.
Wow, that is exactly how I feel too, everything you wrote in your last comment. I think the double-life for me grew by degree. At one point there was no disconnect between what I thought and what I could say, probably because there was not such a gap between my beliefs and those around me. As my beliefs shifted from the mainstream of those around me, the gap grew until at some point it was undeniable and too much to live with.