Even if all intellectual obstacles preventing me from reconciliation with the Christian faith were resolved there would still remain a host of emotional obstacles. These emotional tensions might possibly have more force than my intellectual burdens.
For this series of posts, I first aimed at a neat list of the objects making up the emotional landscape within me. But I realize that a neat and tidy account does not really match the nature of emotions. So, I’ll go for an unsystematic picture. Here are some things I observe (particularly related to my reactions to the thought of imagining myself reconciling with Christianity):
I’m angry at those Christians who put me in a certain “box” when I’m doubting. These are the Christians who always know in advance where my problem must lie. Sometimes, these are the more fundamentalist Christians who think, for example, that I have too much confidence in my own philosophical musings or who think the problem is only that I haven’t experienced God. But very often these are the more liberal Christians who immediately diagnose my problems with Christianity to be rooted in my naïve approach to faith. They all have their prejudices of what must go wrong in someone who can’t believe. They are so certain that if I just had their paradigm and their presuppositions (which they are so sure must be the right ones), then my pitiful misled thinking soul would come to the same conclusions they do. Or they are so sure that if I just had experienced something as intense as they did, then I wouldn’t have doubts.
It makes me angry when people pretend to know me better than I do. (Interesting – what is it about that that should make me angry?)
It makes me angry when people think it’s just all my fault for being where I am now.
I long so badly for Christians who take my skeptical arguments without immediately scanning them in order to find the fault in them but who first try to understand my perspective. It’s awesome when people first appreciate that there might be much good in my perspective, that there might even be something to respect in my journey (a quest for truth and honesty) before they start to treat me as a patient to be helped. It’s something beautiful to feel treated as someone who might have something of value to offer in his search. It’s awesome when people feel my problems with faith might be worth being understood (rather than only cured). When people acknowledge that I am not doing this out of fun (but rather suffer badly from this crisis), they might realize that I only pursue it because I feel it is something important.
(to be continued)
I agree with everything after the first paragraph, but do you REALLY mean “These emotional tensions might possibly have more force than my intellectual burdens”?
You really mean, if you got the “Oh yeah, of course!” moment, you wouldn’t just fall on your knees and allow yourself to be swept away?
OK, maybe you wouldn’t. But I think I would. I think I’d be seriously born again. But I can say that, safe in the knowledge that, according to my worldview, it ain’t gonna happen. If it does, then my worldview will have changed a lot, and some pretty radical stuff will occur. But don’t hold your breath.
I like “when people first appreciate that there might be much good in my perspective… before they start to treat me as a patient to be helped.” I restarted my spiritual quest about 4 years ago, which coincided with moving town – new people, new start etc. We’re now in our second church – the first one didn’t suit us – and in that time I’ve had “fireside chats” with three clergy, discussing my beliefs and hearing what they have to say. The last one showed far and away the most respect for my position – and possibly the most telling thing is that he didn’t offer to pray for me at the end!
Well, yes, I agree. If I just KNEW it were true I would fall on my knees, too. Or at least, I think so! (Some people claim that this is one of the reasons why God is hidden: because otherwise we wouldn’t have much of a real choice but falling on our knees)
(Though, I still think, that if I’m not 100% convinced, emotional obstacles and pulls can be a CONSIDERABLE force that works in addition to intellectual obstacles and pulls)
And, btw, I found it very interesting that your quest restarted with a new environment. So much of our life, faith, etc. is connected to a certain surrounding, people, constellations. If you start to move around one aspect of your life, other aspects get shaken, too. I think faith doesn’t work just “free-floating” without being sustained by a group of people. Take away the people and faith gets undermined, too. …I sometimes phantasize what would happen to my (non-)faith if I left EVERYTHING behind and moved to a big city on the other side of the planet. What I continue where I’m now? I doubt it.
“I think faith doesn’t work just “free-floating” without being sustained by a group of people.”
Hmm…. this another counter-faith argument, I think. Surely if the Holy Spirit was any good, we wouldn’t need all this human support to sustain faith? Sure, maybe God set it up that way so that we learn to be dependent on one another, but think how much good could be done if some of the energy that people put into “spiritual growth” was channelled into just helping others.